The dark side~

Treating myself kindly wasn't really my thing. For me, you need to be excellent in everything you do in order to be happy and reach satisfaction.

Is it true? Does everything really need to be perfect? Scored 100% and poof! You are perfect and happy.. does it?

Grown up as a better child used to be my thing. Follow the rules, don't spoiled your mouth with bad words, respect elderly and bla bla bla. For me, my parents would be so happy to have a better child that won't give them so much trouble.

Until I managed to further my study in Egypt. Medicine, which wasn't really my passion. There, I feel like hitting hard the bottom of the rock. Getting involved with those smarter, wiser mates, suddenly my life filled with fears and insecurity. Now I don't feel special anymore. Realized that I am not that smart, I treat myself harshly. I studied more and more. Aiming to be the best again. And if I can't make it, I' ll push myself even harder. And seriously, that was exhausting. Really. It does.

2 years of life full of uncertainty. I made it, but no more excellency. I felt useless and hopeless. Like it is the end. I distant myself from others, I continuously blamed myself. I cried without any obvious reason. There are times when I will just sit down flat on the floor, head filled with painful thoughts and sadness. I just feel worn out and tired.

See how harsh I have treated myself? Does that sound inspiring? Beautiful? Well I am sure it isn't. . But thinking about how hard my life back then, no more words I can say other than' thank you Allah.' Ever heard the saying, 'the more painful your hardwork did, the sweeter your victory become.'  And yes, now I see the world from a very different point of view. And it seems pretty and amazing.

Someday I will share my story about how I redeemed my lifeline. How I get back up after the fall. But now, I just wanted to share on how bad and ugly life is when you treat yourself harshly. Be nice to yourself. Just be nice..