Pembuka jalan~

Jangan kata Allah tidak bantu.. Jangan kata Allah tidak peduli.. Jangan pernah sekali terlintas putus harapan dari Yang Maha Pencipta..

Ujian turun pelbagai rupa dan cara. Setiap kita tidak lari dari dugaan Ilahi. Itu cara Dia mendekatkan kita ke tempat asal kita. Itu cara Dia mengingatkan kita asal usul kita. Di situlah jalan menuju nikmat iman..

Jangan menangis. Jangan bersedih. Ujian tanda Allah sayang.. Kalau senang tidak putus dihadiahkan, mungkin musuh yang direjam mengambil kesempatan merasuk jiwa untuk lupa dan alpa dengan dunia. Ujian membuka mata dan hati kita, supaya kita tahu perit, kita rasa sakit, kita merintih memohon kasih yang hakiki, dekatlah kita dengan yang di atas.

Allah sayang hambaNya. Jangan putus asa. Jangan putus harapan. Allah sentiasa ada untuk hambaNya. Menangislah kerana Dia, mengadulah dengan Yang Maha Mendengar.. Kasih Allah tidak akan putus. Terutama buat hambaNya yang redha dan berpegang teguh dengan qada dan qadar Nya.

Doakan saudara yang sedang merintih menangis dengan ujian berat mereka. Doakan agar diringankan dan dirahmati. Doakan. Ujian mereka mungkin lebih besar dari kita. Kerana itu mereka lebih kenal erti dekat dengan Allah. Kerana mereka merasa nikmat kasihNya.

Belajarlah isi hati dengan yang baik dan bersih. Hati kita sangat kecil. Jangan diberi peluang untuk syaitanirrajim menghuninya. Setiap kita, pasti ada dakwat hitam perosak hati. Tapi yakinlah, di satu sudut, pasti ada cahaya, biarlah sebesar zarah, cahaya itu pasti ada. Yang mampu menyemarakkan nur itu, tidak lain hanya diri kita. Jangan anggap Allah murka, maka kita tidak dipeduli lagi. Setiap kejadian ada jalannya. Setiap kepahitan ada manis menunggu. Setiap kegelapan ada cahaya di hujungnya.

Mulakan dengan niat. Lillahitaala. Dia Maha Berkuasa. Tajdidkan niat mahu berubah. Tajdidkan niat untuk tetap iman dalam islam. InsyaAllah perlahan- lahan nur itu akan menutup noktah- noktah hitam dalam hati.. dan yakinlah, insyaAllah, satu hari, andai malaikat Izrail belum menjemput, insyaAllah, hati itu akan penuh dengan nur Nya.. amin Ya Allah..

Rintihan pencinta dunia~

Bersyukur atas kasih Yang Maha Esa. Masih diberi kesempatan menikmati bulan mulia, penuh barakah.. Alhamdulillah..

Ramadhan, bulan di mana kita berusaha mengumpul sebanyaknya amalan untuk bekalan akhirat nanti. Syaitan dirantai. Hanya nafsu penggolak iman sendiri.

Kadang- kadang, diri ini rasa selamat tanpa kehadiran makhluk yang direjam. Sedang hakikatnya, nafsu yang sudah lama dididik untuk tunduk dengan dosa, masih boleh menggugat iman di bulan mulia ini.

Ramadhan kali ini, berat hati. Sesak jiwa. Sungguh Allah menguji kesabaran hambaNya ini dengan penangan kesedihan, kesakitan yang tidak berhenti. Allahuakbar. Kasihani hambaMu ini Ya Rabb. Aku tahu turunnya ujian Mu itu kepada hambaMu yang mampu memikulnya. Aku mampu, dengan izinMu. Tapi, bantu aku Ya Allah.. kadang- kadang jasad yang lemah ini tersasar dari arah yang sepatutnya..

Bersedih.. menangis.. itu lumrah kita sebagai hamba. Semua itu nafsu manusia biasa. Mengalirnya air mata tanda hati kita merintih memohon simpati. Menangis mengasihani nasib diri. Menangis itu boleh membawa kita semakin dekat kepada Yang Maha Pengasih.

Tapi, ampuni aku Ya Allah.. aku semakin jauh dari Mu..

Ujian yang Engkau turunkan kali ini, mencabar imanku. Aku lemah, menangisi nasibku. Aku menyalahkan hambaMu yang lain. Aku marah tanpa sebab jelas. Aku putus asa dari memohon maghfirahMu. Aku terus rosakkan hati aku dengan amarah, benci. Sepanjang hari, biarpun berlapar dahaga, hati aku kenyang dengan sifat mazmumah yang Engkau larang. Ampuni aku Ya Allah.. aku semakin jauh dariMu..

Kenapa perlu ditangisi hal dunia yang sementara? Menangis kerana gagal peperiksaan. Menangis kerana putus ikatan kasih. Menangis kerana kehilangan orang tersayang.. wajarkah kita menangis kerana dunia yang besar di mata kita, sedangkan kecil di sisi Allah azzawajalla?

Menurut Allah, dunia lebih tidak berharga dari sayap seekor nyamuk. Inilah timbangan sebenar hal dunia di sisi Nya. Jadi atas alasan apa kita bersedih, gelisah kerana dunia semata- mata?  Astaghfirullah..

Aku semakin jauh dariNya. Aku lalai mencintai dunia sedang akhirat yang kekal selamanya. Ya Allah, aku malu. Kerdil hinanya aku. Aku rindu cahaya Mu Ya Allah.. hilangkanlah gundah di hati ini dengan kasih Mu.. aku rindu ketenangan kurniaanMu.. Aku malu meminta- minta dengan gelumang dosa ku ini..

Terima kasih Ya Allah.. belaian kasihMu menyedarkan aku. Aku menangis kerana ingin dekat kembali padaMu. Aku merindui ketenangan yang pernah Engkau hadiahkan untukku. Aku ingin kembali ke jalan itu. Tetapkan hatiku Ya Allah.. Biarlah kebangkitan hari ini kekal dalam jiwaku, agar aku tidak terus sesat ke jalan yg yang jauh dariMu.. kuatkan imanku Ya Allah..

Aku mahu berubah. Itu permulaan perjalananku kali ini. Aku mahu cinta aku hanya pada Yang Maha Pencipta. Jauhi aku dari cinta duniawi Ya Rabb. Pelihara hati ini dari nafsu dunia semata..

Tenanglah wahai jiwa yang kusut. Allah ada. Allah ada..

*doakan aku.. bantu aku kembali ke tujuan asal aku dilahirkan di dunia ini..

;'(

Acceptance ~

I remember of having a killing desire of  being more stylish and elegant. Putting it into one simple sentence, I wanted to fit it.

Each kids had this kind of desire. Well I might be a little bit late of outgrowing it since I don't really have this self conscious mind during my school days. It had only come when I started to live in a new places, meeting new people, and discovered the addiction of holding the center of attention title.

I' ve tried a lot of changes. A lot. It's fun for a while. Until then I just realized, that's not who I am. It's tiresome, bothersome, trying hard to fit in beside the fact that you don't really felt the pure comfort of being it. I've tried a lot of different shoes and none of them makes me feel genuine at all.

When I started to be myself, I feel free and honest. Accepting who we are, our flows and all, given us a chance to be more open to every part of ourselves. At the same time, we'll be able to see what serve us and what's not. Whilst you will realize that at some point, this true self is the one that helped us grow and survive.

Now I'm setting my own boundaries. Like a home within me. Where I feel secured and comfortable. I wanted to fit in my own home, not other's.

With more understanding and acceptance to ourselves, come compassion. I can be a better friend, and attracting more compassionate people in return.

You know when you hear the saying, 'You can't love anyone until you love yourself' ? Well indeed, that's true. ♥♥

Those valuable challenges~

Most of us grown up with the fantasies of fairytales. Cinderella, snow white, sleeping beauty, repunzel and etc. And that's the way we look this life is. Everything we do, we will put on high expectation of grabbing the  'happily ever after'  version of ending. We all did.

But life doesn't turned out to be that way. As an adult version of me, I learned to except the pain and bitterness in life. I dare myself to opened up with bigger and wider challenges in order to see the ugly side of me. Living full of cover up isn't as beautiful as I wished it to be. Limiting a lot of actions does limiting my joy of experiencing my real life.

Years of swimming through those hard rivers. I wanted to be perfect. And so I muscled up my way to reach an excellent achievement in study, and buckled up my tired body to find a perfect relationship. For me, this is the real satisfaction in life.

But it was all crap. Big old crap that trapped inside the perfectionist me.

I passed the episode of hitting the bottom of excellency. I failed. I lost. I cried and almost lose it all.

I had those painful broke up. And that's the toughest moment ever. I just closed my heart and let it dies slowly inside.

But you know what? This bunches of painful tears and unheard screams are the things that opened myself up. It let me digged out all the ugliness inside me. The side that I tried hard to cover up all these years. Anger, sadness, low self esteem, insecure. All if it.

Now I'm a woman who daresay that I already had those painful moments. And I passed. And I'm proudly said I am stronger, even created the better version of me. I told myself, I'll just follow the flow. The hard flow of the river, to see the other side that surely will be far more amazing than now. And yes. I feel better and fabulous.

Here to say, open yourself up for more challenges. Ready to take those scary but excited journey. The harder it seems, the more rewards will come. As the easy path usually comes with an easy rewards. Move your ass up and ride the longest roaller coaster. Feel the excitement of rolling yourself up and down the railway. You will feel awesome and yet, you will ask for more!

♥♥

25th years old me~

Alhamdulillah..

25 years old me! Yes, not a teen anymore. An adult, who is approaching her work field sooner! Yey! A doctor? Really? Am I worth it? Will try my best to be the best I can.. Allah had granted me such an honour to help my dearest muslim and muslimah fellows, and I promised to strive hard to do it. IAllah, may Allah help me.. :)

This year, more and more blesses I got from Him.. a big thankful towards Allah.. felt small and undeserved, Allah showed His love by continuously blessing me with happiness.. Syukur..

I'm happy with my loving family, who always makes me feel better, makes me laugh and smile.. always pick me up whenever I fall.. Friends whom always be there whenever I need them, when I cried they came even I didn't ask them to, shared my tears of happiness, who motivate me to be the best like I am today..

And thank you Allah for letting me meet a man that always makes me smile, laugh, comfortable, warmth.. a man that always remind me to feel worth and to love myself.. the one who reminded me to be a humble and better muslimah.. a man that thaught me about pure love and understanding.. dear Fauzi, thanks for all your patience and love.. <3

I had a lot in mind. Expectations and hopes in this new years of mine. Thank you for all your heartwarming wishes through sms, twitter, facebook, wechat, line, and etc.. hehe.. may Allah always be with you girls and guys..

Let us all strive to be better year by year. Towards Jannah iAllah amin.. ^^

P.S. I made ayam percik for my special day.. cakes? On the making! Cupcakes chocolate cheese! Yummeh!

The dark side~

Treating myself kindly wasn't really my thing. For me, you need to be excellent in everything you do in order to be happy and reach satisfaction.

Is it true? Does everything really need to be perfect? Scored 100% and poof! You are perfect and happy.. does it?

Grown up as a better child used to be my thing. Follow the rules, don't spoiled your mouth with bad words, respect elderly and bla bla bla. For me, my parents would be so happy to have a better child that won't give them so much trouble.

Until I managed to further my study in Egypt. Medicine, which wasn't really my passion. There, I feel like hitting hard the bottom of the rock. Getting involved with those smarter, wiser mates, suddenly my life filled with fears and insecurity. Now I don't feel special anymore. Realized that I am not that smart, I treat myself harshly. I studied more and more. Aiming to be the best again. And if I can't make it, I' ll push myself even harder. And seriously, that was exhausting. Really. It does.

2 years of life full of uncertainty. I made it, but no more excellency. I felt useless and hopeless. Like it is the end. I distant myself from others, I continuously blamed myself. I cried without any obvious reason. There are times when I will just sit down flat on the floor, head filled with painful thoughts and sadness. I just feel worn out and tired.

See how harsh I have treated myself? Does that sound inspiring? Beautiful? Well I am sure it isn't. . But thinking about how hard my life back then, no more words I can say other than' thank you Allah.' Ever heard the saying, 'the more painful your hardwork did, the sweeter your victory become.'  And yes, now I see the world from a very different point of view. And it seems pretty and amazing.

Someday I will share my story about how I redeemed my lifeline. How I get back up after the fall. But now, I just wanted to share on how bad and ugly life is when you treat yourself harshly. Be nice to yourself. Just be nice..