Secebis pesan~

Hari Ini Milik Anda

Jika kamu berada di pagi hari,
Janganlah menunggu senja tiba.

Hari inilah yang akan anda jalani,
bukan hari kemarin yang telah berlalu,
dengan segala kebaikan dan keburukannya,
dan juga bukan esok hari yang belum tentu datang..

Hari yang saat ini matahari menyapa anda,
Dan siangnya menyapa anda,
Inilah hari anda..

Umur anda,
Mungkin tinggal hari ini,
maka anggaplah masa hidup anda hanya hari ini,
atau seakan-akan anda dilahirkan hari ini,
dan akan mati hari ini juga..

Dengan begitu hidup anda tidak akan tercabik-cabik,
Di antara gumpalan keresahan dan kesedihan..
Dan duka masa lalu dengan bayangan masa depan yang penuh ketidakpastian,
Dan seringkali menakutkan.

- Dr Aidh Al-Qarni; La Tahzan

Update ringkas~

Alhamdulillah…

Berkurun tinggalkan blog. Sejak masuk alam pekerjaan, setiap saat, detik menjadi taruhan. Tidak ada lagi episod duduk termenung merenung kipas bilik berputar, sambil dengar lagu Lana Del Ray..hmm.. rindu saat-saat itu.

Lebih setahun lenyap dari dunia blog, akhirnya terpanggil menulis sedikit update kehidupan sekarang.

Sekarang…

1)      Sudah bekerja di bawah KKM. Masih seorang doctor pelatih tapi cabarannya cukup berat buat angan-angan lama ingin berawet muda dan bercantik-cantik ketika bekerja jadi harapan tinggal harapan.. :p

2)      Sudah berkahwin, menjadi gadis pilihan hati kepada seorang jejaka macho di seantero dunia (bagi saya..hehe), Mr Mohammad Fauzi Bin Sulong.. Tarikh nikah: 30 May 2014. Tidak berkesempatan memilih tarikh macho semacho pasangan pengantin kerana had cuti yang ada. Honeymoon hanya d hospital, suami pula atas kapal merenung enjin kapal. *p/s: kepada junior2, kahwinlah sementara menunggu panggilan ptm, haha

3)      Sekarang ber’baby’ dalam rahim. Hari ini tepat masuk 3 bulan, complete first trimester. Alhamdulillah.. Alahan? Yes.. too bad to the point saya kena mohon cuti panjang. Syukur Allah tulis perjalanan yang mudah, HOD department faham dan bagi saya long break untuk kesihatan saya and baby..

4)      Tahap stress semakin tinggi.. Kalau baca entry saya sebelum ini, semua berkaitan be positive, atau kuatkan semangat, bla bla bla.. tapi sejak masuk alam pekerjaan, cas negative mendominasi.. Need some terapi minda dan jiwa. La haula wala quwwata illabillah..

5)      Dulu saya amalkan diet sihat, oat, dan sayuran kononnya.. badan naik sekilo, bising macam naik 10 kg. Sejak kerja, badan susut mendadak. Kadang-kadang perut berkeroncong bila busy tahap gaban. Clerk case tapi dekat kepala nak jamah roti pun jadilah. Lebih-lebih lagi sejak alahan teruk, badan makin cekeding.. Doakan baby sihat.. J

Ringkas, diharapkan cukup padat. Teringin juga tau khabar berita kawan-kawan batch zagazig. Entah apa kisah sekarang. Sejak kerja tak pernah dah jumpa. Tanya khabar dekat watsapp, wechat, line, hmmm… Tanya hari ni, bulan depan baru dapat reply. Semua busy..

Kesimpulan, alam pekerjaan tidak seindah yang diharapkan. Memang tak mengharap pun, tapi tidak sangka sepahit ini. Moga diri dan sahabat-sahabat kuat menempuh alam latihan ini. InsyaAllah, bila lesen tetap dalam tangan, semua akan lebih lancar. Amin Ya Allah..

Buat junior-junior, pesan akak. Study rajin-rajin. Ambil peluang sebanyak mungkin untuk menimba pengalaman. Jangan menyesal esok hari.. hehe.. tapi jangan lupa juga, enjoy your every precious moment with your precious friends. Kenangan 5 to 6 years dalam dunia student dengan kawan-kawan itulah kenangan manis berharga yang mampu buat kita tersenyum bila berdepan saat pahit di alam pekerjaan..

p/s: Suami berlayar lagi.. Doakan kami sama-sama kuat. Rezeki Allah dah tulis dengan cantik. Minta hati sama-sama tawakkal dan bertenang. Love you Mr Fauzi to the moon..hehe

" There had been times when he knew, somewhere in him, that he would get used to it, whatever it was, because he had learnt that some hard things become softer after a very little while." - Nick Hornby

Acceptance ~

I remember of having a killing desire of  being more stylish and elegant. Putting it into one simple sentence, I wanted to fit it.

Each kids had this kind of desire. Well I might be a little bit late of outgrowing it since I don't really have this self conscious mind during my school days. It had only come when I started to live in a new places, meeting new people, and discovered the addiction of holding the center of attention title.

I' ve tried a lot of changes. A lot. It's fun for a while. Until then I just realized, that's not who I am. It's tiresome, bothersome, trying hard to fit in beside the fact that you don't really felt the pure comfort of being it. I've tried a lot of different shoes and none of them makes me feel genuine at all.

When I started to be myself, I feel free and honest. Accepting who we are, our flows and all, given us a chance to be more open to every part of ourselves. At the same time, we'll be able to see what serve us and what's not. Whilst you will realize that at some point, this true self is the one that helped us grow and survive.

Now I'm setting my own boundaries. Like a home within me. Where I feel secured and comfortable. I wanted to fit in my own home, not other's.

With more understanding and acceptance to ourselves, come compassion. I can be a better friend, and attracting more compassionate people in return.

You know when you hear the saying, 'You can't love anyone until you love yourself' ? Well indeed, that's true. ♥♥

Those valuable challenges~

Most of us grown up with the fantasies of fairytales. Cinderella, snow white, sleeping beauty, repunzel and etc. And that's the way we look this life is. Everything we do, we will put on high expectation of grabbing the  'happily ever after'  version of ending. We all did.

But life doesn't turned out to be that way. As an adult version of me, I learned to except the pain and bitterness in life. I dare myself to opened up with bigger and wider challenges in order to see the ugly side of me. Living full of cover up isn't as beautiful as I wished it to be. Limiting a lot of actions does limiting my joy of experiencing my real life.

Years of swimming through those hard rivers. I wanted to be perfect. And so I muscled up my way to reach an excellent achievement in study, and buckled up my tired body to find a perfect relationship. For me, this is the real satisfaction in life.

But it was all crap. Big old crap that trapped inside the perfectionist me.

I passed the episode of hitting the bottom of excellency. I failed. I lost. I cried and almost lose it all.

I had those painful broke up. And that's the toughest moment ever. I just closed my heart and let it dies slowly inside.

But you know what? This bunches of painful tears and unheard screams are the things that opened myself up. It let me digged out all the ugliness inside me. The side that I tried hard to cover up all these years. Anger, sadness, low self esteem, insecure. All if it.

Now I'm a woman who daresay that I already had those painful moments. And I passed. And I'm proudly said I am stronger, even created the better version of me. I told myself, I'll just follow the flow. The hard flow of the river, to see the other side that surely will be far more amazing than now. And yes. I feel better and fabulous.

Here to say, open yourself up for more challenges. Ready to take those scary but excited journey. The harder it seems, the more rewards will come. As the easy path usually comes with an easy rewards. Move your ass up and ride the longest roaller coaster. Feel the excitement of rolling yourself up and down the railway. You will feel awesome and yet, you will ask for more!

♥♥

The dark side~

Treating myself kindly wasn't really my thing. For me, you need to be excellent in everything you do in order to be happy and reach satisfaction.

Is it true? Does everything really need to be perfect? Scored 100% and poof! You are perfect and happy.. does it?

Grown up as a better child used to be my thing. Follow the rules, don't spoiled your mouth with bad words, respect elderly and bla bla bla. For me, my parents would be so happy to have a better child that won't give them so much trouble.

Until I managed to further my study in Egypt. Medicine, which wasn't really my passion. There, I feel like hitting hard the bottom of the rock. Getting involved with those smarter, wiser mates, suddenly my life filled with fears and insecurity. Now I don't feel special anymore. Realized that I am not that smart, I treat myself harshly. I studied more and more. Aiming to be the best again. And if I can't make it, I' ll push myself even harder. And seriously, that was exhausting. Really. It does.

2 years of life full of uncertainty. I made it, but no more excellency. I felt useless and hopeless. Like it is the end. I distant myself from others, I continuously blamed myself. I cried without any obvious reason. There are times when I will just sit down flat on the floor, head filled with painful thoughts and sadness. I just feel worn out and tired.

See how harsh I have treated myself? Does that sound inspiring? Beautiful? Well I am sure it isn't. . But thinking about how hard my life back then, no more words I can say other than' thank you Allah.' Ever heard the saying, 'the more painful your hardwork did, the sweeter your victory become.'  And yes, now I see the world from a very different point of view. And it seems pretty and amazing.

Someday I will share my story about how I redeemed my lifeline. How I get back up after the fall. But now, I just wanted to share on how bad and ugly life is when you treat yourself harshly. Be nice to yourself. Just be nice..